She makes me feel like absolute shit but I fucking love her at the same exact time. What is this shit?

Its just uncanny how those around you can be so oblivious to signs you give off. Its scary in a way. I've attempted suicide a of handful times and to many to count of the thought of it. I've always thought of shooting and blowing my head off with a 12 gauge shot gun with a doom round. The fact that I have given off so many signs... its all dis regarded and ignored, it really makes you think about the world...in a way it gives you a different perspective of the world that we all live in. I believe that we are all "raped into this world" and that we live in a "raped society", we claim (America) to have freedom but its not free at all. And I'm tired of those religious retards saying that their god is there to save and guide them. NO. There is no god and there is no one worthy of the "God" title. It disturbs me that we are born into this world to wake up go school/work then rinse and repeat till the day we fucking die, its disturbing. Yeah we have breaks/days off/weekends, but its not enough with all the stress we are given. If you're born into a stupid rich family then you're set for life. I hate humanity. Call me a social reject but I'm the one with my eyes opened.